Deliver me from insomnia
- Since yesterday morning, some 40 hours ago, I've had only one hour of sleep. If you consider that 60 minutes of tossing, turning, and shivering in cold sweat, sleep. It's not one of my let's-see-how-long-I-can-stay-awake things. I'm insomniac. Last night I said every prayer I knew, counted every sheep that ever existed, listened to all the soothing music I could find, and even tried reading Reading Lolita in Tehran (which usually puts me right into sleep) but nothing worked. The little gray cells would not give me a break. At the same time I was too numb to know what they were up to. Quite a night.
- Today I visited an IKEA store for the first time in my life. Now that was something. I don't know if I liked it or not. We spent around 4 hours in the store and I still felt like I was rushed through it. But I insisted that we should leave before it gets dark because I was concerned about me driving 100 miles back home after an insomniac night. Anyways, I'll be going back for sure. Even if it's just to hang out and try every bed and chair I spot. While I was there I kept thinking of Fight Club. "Oh, Tyler, please deliver me. . . . Oh, Tyler, please rescue me. . . . Deliver me from Swedish furniture. Deliver me from clever art. . . . May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. Deliver me, Tyler, from being perfect and complete"(p. 36). But for now, I say "Tyler, or whatever your name might be, please deliver to me all the cute Swedish furniture, clever art, ETC!" at 9:35 PM by negar

Simple Pleasure
I put the cellphone on the armrest and watch TV while she talks about what I should and what I shouldn't do. How I should and how I shouldn't be. What's wrong and what's right. When I don't hear any noise coming out of the phone, I pick it up, say "bye," and hang up.
It's such a pleasure not listening to the nonsense people have to say about your life. at 2:21 PM by negar

Can't write. I simply can't. The blogger inside me seems to be dead or on a vacation. at 11:21 AM by negar

The Golden Scissors
I just wrote a page long post but decided not to publish it after all. If there was an award for self-censorship among bloggers, I'd definitely win it. at 4:14 AM by negar

مرثیه ای برای خودم
The school's server on which I had my blog stuff uploaded is under maintenance and I had to have something up there in order to be able to write. So here it goes! My handwriting is better when I'm not writing with a mouse. Although not much better.
Thanks for the comments you left for the last post. I deeply apologize for discriminating between shapes and implying that some shapes are worse than others. I hereby correct myself: All shapes are equally bad. This was for Asad who seemed to be concerned about the civil rights of the shapes. Speaking of whom maybe I should mention here that I lost Webgard and Nasy to him over two games of backgammon. I excused myself for lunch before he'd win our entire blog province. He ought to be ashamed of himself for rolling pairs of 5 or 6 while I hardly rolled anything other than a 1 and a 2. Nonetheless, even though I believe he somehow cheated, he has every right to claim Webgard and Nasy. (Sorry guys, we had no money to bet on so we figured we'd bet on people)
As for me acting a bit weird lately, well I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. All I know is that something is terribly wrong. Maybe I would open up to a friend if I had one living close by, but I don't. The only person I would consider talking to, ignores me 90% of the time. Not particularly helpful. This sounds like I'm blaming others for my loneliness. I'm not. I'm well aware of my tendency to be cold and annoying. But let's just forget that and pity me instead. After all I'm the kid who is badly messed up, doesn't have a friend, and loses Webgard and Nasy on the same day just because she can't roll a pair. at 3:06 AM by negar

Notice
This blog and its owner are both in a pretty bad shape. Please come back later. at 2:11 AM by negar

I like this:

In the real world, no one seems concerned with whether you were the top student or not, your colleagues don't care and your spouse for sure doesn't give a hoot on where you ranked in class. Worst of all, if you're not careful, you may turn into a competitive nut who can never achieve enough.

from If Only I Knew. at 1:03 AM by negar

Shorts (not the ones you wear)
- Alright, alright! SORRY! No more confusing posts. That was just to give you an idea of how confused I am.
- Of the to-do list I posted here I only got the first two items done. I went from my own goldish light brown to a neutral medium brown, because I decided that's how a proper Iranian girl should look like. (Yes, I just called myself a proper Iranian girl!!!) Sad thing is, no one noticed the change. I was waiting for someone to mention something about my hair so I could share my proper Iranian girl theory. No one did. I'm so disappointed. I think I'll go and get a refund!!!
- Tonight I had to go against my new year resolution and I'm a tad bit mad at myself. It's ok though. I can't stay mad at myself for too long. I'm a good kid and tonight I had no choice.
- I think I've mentioned my forgetfulness here before. Here's one of my recent cases of memory loss: I'm washing my hair and as always I close my eyes so the shampoo won't irritate them. Except that a millisecond after I shut my eyes I forget that I've done so and I go "Crap! The power is out!" Now, that's too much like the old man who said "knock on the wood [knocking] I have a good memory" and then "get the door! Someone just knocked!"
- Did I tell you guys that I'm the first treasurer of Telecommunication & Media Association (god, I hope no one gets here by googling that term) of our school? Being a treasurer sucks big time but being the president of Persian Student Association sucks more. Where is Persia anyways?! A few years ago there was a big controversy over the name of the association and one of the guys said something quite thoughtful: "take an envelope, write To: Persia on it, and drop it in the mail. See where it ends up!" (Please, no responses from those who consider themselves Persian! I've heard your reasons and respect them all.)
- Abbas Kiarostami is the President of the Jury at Cannes. Now that's something to be proud of. By the way, it'd be delightful if the Iranian paparazzi (which is non-existent) could catch Kiarostami without his sunglasses. Ok, maybe it'd be delightful only to me. Nevertheless, they should try.
- My cousin is telling me just now how the world has yet to "discover" me! I tell him "I'm bored. Can the world discover me sooner rather than later?" and he has no answer for that so he tells me a dirty joke. "What do women and sheep have in common?" But I'm still thinking how do I get the world to "discover" me. Not that there is much to discover anyways.
- And here is one of my friends, trying to convince me to start a Perisan weblog as well. I tell her I'll think about it but I don't think I will have another blog. This one is already too much. I'm trying to quit. Is there a support group? a Bloggers Anonymous? "Hi my name is Negar and I blog!"
- Ok, so I have the no one likes me syndrome. Should you people argue with me and tell me "oh no honey, everyone thinks you're fabulous" or should you help me find out why no one likes me? At least buy me a How to Get Popular- For Dummies. And if there's no such a thing, write one, you likeable people out there!
- I've been writing this post for two hours. It's 2:36 AM. I just went back and read it again. With my positive outlook, I should pursue a career as a motivational speaker. at 12:36 AM by negar

Relatively Dead
If "everything is relative" rule is true, then isn't that rule also relative? And if it's relative, it's no longer a rule, is it? But if that rule is absolute, then not everything is relative.
I've told myself "everything is relative" for so long that I no longer have any sense of right and wrong. I don't know what is truth and what's not since truth is relative too. I've lost my conscience and ideals. I have faith in nothing because nothing is absolute. But then if nothing is absolute, why do I believe so strongly in "everything is relative"?
Just the kind of thinking most people do on 2:22 AM of the first Friday night of their break. at 2:22 AM by negar

The Birth of the Internet
October 20, 1969
"We had a guy sitting at a computer console at UCLA wearing a telephone headset and a microphone, talking to another guy at Stanford. When everything was set up he was going to type the 'L-O-G' and the Stanford computer would automatically add 'IN' to complete the word, 'LOGIN.' So our guy typed the 'L' and asked his counterpart at Stanford, 'Did you get the 'L?' Then they did the same thing for 'O' and the whole system crashed."

Maybe that was their cue to stop trying. at 2:50 AM by negar

Bull Shit!
I just watched the last episode of Sex & the City (despite having two final exams tomorrow) and all I can say is: Yeah, right!
Big comes back for Carrie, Charlotte gets a Chinese(!) baby, Samantha settles down, and Miranda finally "loves". Picture perfect. Classical Hollywood style is making me sick. Simply because you watch this and then the next day you expect your Mr. Big to walk in with his arms wide open! Really, even if you try hard not to expect that to happen, somewhere deep inside you feel there is the slightest chance that dreams come true. While you know there isn't. Dreams are just dreams. And they don't become real. In fact the reality of your life gets farther from your dreams as you go. Unless you dream of dying, in which case you're a sad pathetic loser! (let's pretend we don't know who here daydreams about her funeral!) at 10:13 PM by negar

I SUCK!
I've written the worst paper of my life. 14 pages of absolute nonsense. There is no logical relationship between any two paragraphs but I'm too tired to do anything about it. I think I'll turn it in and avoid looking at the professor (who happens to be my favorite) for the rest of my studies here. Huh! And this was the professor I intended to get a recommendation letter from. What is it with me? I spend a whole semester being brilliant and then I screw up my final project. I think I have a natural talent for screwing up things that I really really want to do perfectly.
I am Negar's raging anger. at 12:21 AM by negar

I will
- color my hair into a very cool dark brown (tired of my natural warm tones)
- watch all the films that Blockbuster is going to send us
- return all 30 or so books to the library
- read Reading Lolita in Tehran
- read Da Vinci Code
- reply any unreplied email in my mailbox
- go swimming
- (re)learn how to ride a bike (don't ask!!!)
- check on my lime tree
- get a pet (suggestions?)
- call my friend from 2nd grade to see why she hasn't sent any letters for more than a year
- wash the car
- make more baklava and chocolate turffles ( baklava anyone? I can share the recipe)
- go to a doctor for a check up ( I haven't done that since I was in pre-school!)
- get my eyes examined (pretty sure I need glasses)
- buy a portable mp3 player for sis
- get rid of all the pictures in my room ( to avoid them, I sleep with my head under the covers)
- think of something to do with my mug collection
- think of something to do with my key chain collection (this one wasn't intentional)
- sell my books on Amazon
- go to Houston and pick up grocery from Iranian stores
- get my wisdom tooth/teeth pulled out

once the school is out. at 2:04 AM by negar

Title Goes Here
After working on my paper for hours, this is what I have

Title Goes Here

Intro Goes Here
Background Goes Here
Literature Review Goes Here
Methods Goes Here
Analysis Goes Here
Conclusion Goes Here
Works-Cited Goes Here

Well, not exactly but almost. I've got 6 pages done, 8 more pages to go. Bad news is that I'm running out of things to write. Anyone got a cute 8 page-long story I could throw in? Preferably it should address the issues of localizing the global and globalizing the local in Iranian cinema. But anything else would work as well. Anything that you think would amuse and impress an Aussie professor with a great sense of humor. at 12:07 AM by negar

Murphy's Philosophy
Smile, tomorrow will be worse.

Update: In fact it will be a lot worse than you had imagined. at 10:16 AM by negar